Hey guys, it’s ya girl K, feeling super refreshed after a week off in sunny Mallorca. I’ve mostly been lounging by the pool, staring out to sea and eating all my favourite beige foods on repeat. Oh, and spending an unhealthy amount of time on social media. Having discovered the joys of daytime internet browsing I would like to give you one very important piece of advice: Regardless of where you live, join your local community Facebook page. Having recently become what some might describe an expert, I’ve composed a comprehensive list of power moves you can use to make it all the way to the top. People will shiver when they see your name pop up.
Picture it: YOU. The greatest community Facebook group member of all time.
Always be watching
Make your presence known at all times. A contentious subject being debated? You know what to do: insert a popcorn eating gif. You bloody legend. Everybody knows that you are amused and you’re watching – just like at the cinema. Geddit? If it’s not such a funny subject and you genuinely want to know the outcome of the discussion, a simple ‘F’ to enable notifications and let people know that you’re on it will suffice.
Ignite a witch hunt
This is the ultimate power move. If you can do this, you can basically do anything. If you see a group of youths on bikes down by the park (which is probably, I don’t know, the ideal place to hang out on a bike if you’re actually a kid?). Best thing to do, post a blurry picture of them you took while casually walking past and then post on Your Town Facebook Group with the caption: Anyone seen these guys? Looked like they were up to no good if you ask me. You can then watch the accusations roll in: ‘Someone left a tab end on my drive!’ ‘I heard them laughing at 10pm – disgusting’. Next up place your call to action in the comments: We need to do something about this – what do you reckon guys? Shall we go down there and give them a piece of our minds? Contact the police? Start a poll. You are now officially the boss of Facebook.
Know about all power cuts and road works
Be the first to know about any minor or major inconvenience at all times. Keep an eye on the Highways England website so that you can instantly let your community know which roads will be closed. Some particularly misguided informants might like to let you know when there’s a speed gun somewhere, too. Undeniably helpful, but I don’t think I want to get into the legalities of that one.
Remain vigilant
Posting open warnings to fellow community members is a power move. If you’ve got time, find a quirky poster off of the internet that you definitely don’t have the copyright for and post it with a polite reminder. Example: To the person that thinks it’s ok to let their dog mess and not pick it up outside my parents house on A Certain Road. Poster: Polite notice, your dog did his duty… now do yours.
Ask blindly for advice
Looking for a good restaurant nearby? Don’t use Tripadvisor, ask your Facebook community and watch them fall over themselves to help you. Does anyone know what time Tesco is open until today? I can guarantee you that unless a member actually works there, someone had to google the answer to that questions themselves before they told you. Power is nigh. You’re in charge.
*Advice to be taken with a pinch of salt. The author accepts no responsibility for consequences as a result of following this advice.
** Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
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