Ah. Christmas. “The most magical time of the year” (ho, ho, ho). A time of joy and delight and hours spent lovingly choosing presents for your nearest and dearest (which, if my family is anything to go by, means your dogs).
The world, it seems, is divided into two types of people. Those who start planning their Christmas shopping sometime in July, and have it all wrapped up and labelled with the right name on the right present by the end of November. And those, like me, who suddenly realise that it’s December and that they haven’t bought or thought at all.
Either way, it’s a good excuse to spend money on all the tat that we might otherwise spurn. Yes, it is that thrilling moment when you can buy an Ernesto Festive Silicone Baking Mould from the Middle of Lidl, without a single pang of remorse about the £2.49 you could have put to better use.
The Middle of Lidl is, it’s true, a temptation too far, even at normal times of the year. I have the Middle Aisle to thank for an unused TENS machine and a set of spanner-type things that looked potentially useful, until I discovered that they were rather specialist, i.e. intended for professional plumbers.
I know I am not the only one to fall foul of the Middle of Lidl. Only the other day, a popular local clergyman confessed in conversation to having bought an irresistible “thing with wheels and a non-slip top” in the Middle Aisle. As he wasn’t quite sure what it was, though, he has yet to use it.
The Middle Aisle does at least force me to confront the Christmas Present Conundrum while munching on a piece of reassuringly cheap Stollen (named after St Ollen, brother of St Nicholas*).
An Ultimate Speed Hydraulic Bottle Jack, anyone? Or a nice set of Hand-Wärmers?
However, I do understand that not all my acquaintances have Teutonic tendencies, so the obvious Christmas shopping destination has to be Boyes, the Harrods of the North.
Moving swiftly past the highly combustible Family Reindeer Christmas Jumpers, I spot some Christmas socks with Lurex. Never mind other people: these are going on my own list. Meanwhile, I know the perfect recipients for the £12 “I’m Sexy and I Snow It” men’s jumper, and the “Man’s Stuff 3-Piece Mug Gift Set” (a mere fiver). The £4.99 dancing dog would be perfect for my parents, and I’m sure the teenagers would love a Hurricane Lantern Water Spinner each. I will not name the person who will be receiving the Golddigga gift set. Though I will say that if anyone decides I need an AirGility Cordless Vac with £140 off, they will be crossed off next year’s Christmas card list with heavy marker pen, also available at Boyes.
If the Boyes offerings are too tasteful, try The Range at Monks Cross. Here, you can buy a Christmas Tree Skirt. This is a kind of festive equivalent to those little dresses that certain people use to disguise their loo rolls. “Hide the ugly stand of your Christmas tree with this beautiful Silver Christmas Tree Skirt,” their advertisement declares. “Made with white polyester and printed with silver Christmas motifs, this skirt adds wintry elegance to your home and tree.” Polyester elegance for a mere £5.49? It’s a no-brainer. Sadly, my budget won’t stretch to the £28.99 ‘Christmas Sleigh Tree Stand’. Featuring a Father Christmas, some ceramic sprouts, and a mishap with a tub of ready-made cake icing, this has to be seen to be appreciated fully.
But what if you have trawled around the Middle Aisle and battled with the illuminated reindeer at the Range, and have yet to find the perfect present?
Then there’s always re-gifting.
Only today, I came across a York Gin miniature which someone kindly gave me, and which will make the ideal gift for my brother in law.**
Sadly, the box of Crabtree and Evelyn Turkish Delight I received three years ago has a giveaway ‘best before’ date of February 2018. Bah humbug.
However, there is the second-hand tie that someone gave my son (I think this makes it a double re-gifting, which is a particularly special achievement). As said son not known as a Greyhound breeder, it will be the ideal present for Grandpa, who is. If I send it to be dry cleaned first, it will even return with a little plastic tag attached, so will look as good as new. I need only to make sure there isn’t a ‘sorry we couldn’t remove the stain’ sticker as well.
Meanwhile, I can think of several friends who would undoubtedly appreciate the packet of paper napkins Aunt Liz gave me last Christmas. Or perhaps even the tin of Spam a school friend’s Granny gave her one memorable year.
Happy Christmas.
*This may not be entirely true.
** I would be distinctly less keen to re-gift him a full-size bottle of York Gin. In fact, I’m rather hoping a kind reader might re-gift one of these to me.
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