How do you define who someone is, and what they mean to you? Well, you work out what kind of cheese they are, of course.
I used to turn my nose up at mild cheddar. It’s not refined enough. Too safe. Uncontroversial. Basically just a bit boring. But I’ll happily eat it, and it’s the backbone of many good cheese dishes. I shouldn’t be so quick to judge. In fact, the Wheel of Cheese System taught me as much about myself and my preconceived ideas as it did of other people.
It all started on a Saturday night in with one of my closest gal pals. Gossiping can get out of hand quicker than you can say ‘melted brie’. No topic is off limits on girls night, and after putting the world to rights, we got personal. We started slagging off the contents of our friends’ fridges.
I have a close mate, whom I love – but they buy mild cheddar. When I found out I was obviously shocked and disappointed. I knew that someone, somewhere was buying it, I just didn’t know it was one of *MY* friends. Things escalated and by the end of the night we were categorising personalities through the theory of cheese.
It’s been over a year now and the Wheel of Cheese System is here and it’s here to stay. If I make a new friend, my pal Claire wants to know what kind of cheese they are. And you can bet your last slice of cheddar I’ve already worked it out, too.
Applying the theory
Cheese isn’t immune to the structures of society, what class it’s typically associated with or how it performs under pressure. Some people marginalise cheese based on their own experience with it previously. And like people: all cheeses should be respected, regardless of your opinion on them.
Don’t panic about your own cheese diagnosis, I’m generally fond of all cheeses – no soft centre is too squishy for me, no stinky blue is too strong. All cheeses are equal, just not the same.
Oh and you don’t just get to pick your favourite cheese. That’s not the game, okay?
Parmesan
I am a parmesan. So is Claire. We are generally liked, quite strong, but occasionally we’re a bit much for a room of people – we fill the air with our own distinctive vibe. It pushes other cheeses out.
We’re both loud, versatile and considered grown up for our age. And what one person thinks of a cheese, could differ entirely to another. We’re not everyone’s cup of tea.
Brie
The softer cheeses are kind, gentle souls, loved by many, but sometimes come across as a bit sickly. They’re flexible though, and often make life in the kitchen and life in the real world easier for everyone.
Mozzarella
Mozzarella is nice. It’s a lot more interesting after a glass of wine or some devine intervention like being thrown on a pizza – because ultimately it complements other flavours with grace and doesn’t steal the show. Mozzarella is better in a crowd, it’s not a stand alone cheese.
Mature cheddar
Salt of the earth, good to be around, everybody-wants-it-at-their-house kind of cheese. Mature cheddar won’t win awards, it won’t be considered fancy, but it’s loved by the masses. It’s got depth, but not enough to make you wish you hadn’t started talking to it at a party.
Blue cheese
A controversial cheese. I love a stinking bishop – I love it more when I see other people turning its nose up at it. Blue cheese people are undiluted, strong, they might sting you – but it’s worth it. I feel special because I can tolerate them. Think of that mate that a lot of your other friends don’t like, but you defend them to the death anyway. You like this person even though it says more about you than them. You have an acquired taste. You love the unusual, special people of the world.
Like all theories, there are flaws and no definitive answers to what cheese someone actually is, because it depends on the circumstance in which you come across them. One man’s brie is another man’s cheddar, eh?
Disclaimer: To my vegan and lactose intolerant friends: You can still be ranked by cheese – you just don’t have to eat it!
P.S What does the cheese say when he looks in the mirror? Halloumi
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