Our Daphne has been busy of late! Poor old Daph has had such a busy schedule that our discerning online readers may have missed out on her typically sharp-tongued, yet valuable advice in recent months. Never fear – Daphne is back with a bang – and she’s gone digital!
Dear Daphne,
I have a new next-door neighbour who has taken to playing a musical instrument late at night. I think it’s a banjo or a mandolin – he must be learning how to play, and it’s very annoying. I work early mornings, and his late-night tinkering is doing my head in! What would you recommend?
Roy, South Bank.
Dear Roy,
Are you sure you’re based in modern-day South Bank, and not the Deep South at the turn of the 20th century? Why on earth has your neighbour elected to learn such an old-fashioned instrument?
Jokes aside, I can fully understand why this would be getting your goat, and also why you’re keen to approach this in a discreet way. If you’re yet to introduce yourself to your new neighbour, it might be best to go round and say hello. You could politely ask him to cut down the noise, or at least to keep his banjo-playing time within social hours. Failing this, I’d recommend learning to play a (louder) musical instrument – perhaps the electric guitar, a trumpet, or the drums. If you’d like to go along with your neighbour’s ‘old school’ tastes, perhaps you could learn how to play the lute, or maybe a large, antique gong? After all, learning to play an instrument can be a great way of letting off some steam and, best of all, expressing yourself!
Please keep me updated on your progress, and don’t hesitate to get back in touch if you need any help shopping around for powerful amplifiers.
Daphne.
Dear Daphne,
My wife and I have been saving for months for a holiday. It’s been years since we managed to get away, and I can’t wait to escape to somewhere sunny! Unfortunately, my wife’s best friend recently went to Turkey to get her teeth done (they look awful!), and my wife is now transfixed on the idea of taking the same trip, and re-purposing our holiday funds to include a new set of pearly whites. Daphne, how can I go about discouraging my nearest and dearest from blowing our hard-earned funds on a dodgy set of sub-par teeth?
Geoff, Fulford.
Dear Geoff,
Oh dear. In recent years, I’ve seen more and more cases of people fleeing Blighty to pay for poor plastic surgeries and dodgy dental procedures abroad – as you’ve probably gathered, terrible ‘Turkey teeth’ seem to top the list!
If you’d like to enjoy your holiday without the spectre of your wife’s garish gnashers hovering like a bad smell, you’ll need to get proactive here – it’s time to put your foot down, with a firm hand!
Who makes the money here, Geoff? Who wears the trousers in your relationship?
From what I can gather, the holiday funds you mention have been accrued by both of you, not just your ball and chain. As such, you should have at least half a say in how the bunce for your jollies is spent. Perhaps you’d like to shell out a portion of shared holiday cash on bulging new biceps, or a jagged jawline, or even a beer belly reduction? Geoff, are you bald? Maybe it’s time for a hair transplant, or a custom-made wig? There are plenty of cut-price procedures that you, as a bloke of a certain age, may be interested in… why not float some ideas with your better half to see how they’re received?
If your passive-aggressive plastic surgery suggestions fall on deaf ears, it’s probably time to go down the propaganda route – I’d suggest a barrage of friendly, round-the-clock messages, complete with links to horrifying examples of dental surgeries gone wrong (the more graphic the pictures, the better): ‘Look darling, this poor blighter went to Turkey with a full set, and came back looking like Shane MacGowan!’.
Before you begin your mission, it’s worth asking yourself, honestly: are your blushing bride’s fangs really up to scratch? Would your beloved spouse look better with a new set of chompers? If so, I’d wholeheartedly recommend saving a few extra pennies for a (much safer, and less risky) procedure with a trusted professional in the UK.
Enjoy your holiday, Geoff!
Daphne.
Dear Daphne,
I work in a large office in the York area (I won’t say where), and have recently noticed that one of my colleagues is regularly on the rob! I’ve caught them stealing stationery, newspapers, toilet rolls, and even people’s personal food out of the fridge! I’m considering letting the boss know, but don’t want to cause any disruption or issues in my workplace. Daphne, what would you suggest?
Rose, Clifton.
Dear Rose,
Thanks for getting in touch, Rose. Ok, so although stealing is not one of the so-called seven deadly sins, most reasonable adults understand that nicking is immoral and wrong. Thievery never goes down well in a group setting, but despite this, it’s worth remembering: no one likes a grass!
In all honesty, I’d probably wind my neck in and keep shtum if I was you. Did the said thief steal YOUR lunch? Did the defendant dip YOUR favourite pen and pad? Did the perpetrator pinch the last bog roll, just before YOU went for your customary morning ‘number two’? Unless the accused’s actions have had a marked effect on YOU, I’d suggest keeping your head down. Are you even sure that this person is on the rob, or are you getting over-excited in your self-assigned role as the office detective/security guard?
Rather than being branded as the office snitch, it’s better to let nature take its course in this case – if this minor workplace pilferer is due for swift and hard justice, this will surely come – we don’t need you to stick your nose in and get involved, Rose!
Instead of focusing on the perceived immoralities of others in the office, haven’t you got some work you should be getting on with?
All the best,
Daphne.
Dear Daphne,
I’m on the brink of a dispute with my siblings. My two sisters keep asking my dad (who is 87-years-old) for lifts around town, for him to pick stuff up for them, and for help with chores. And honestly, I feel like they’re taking advantage of him. My dad has a really generous nature, so I’m worried he doesn’t know how to say no. How do I tell them to give it a rest without creating unnecessary conflict?
Madeline. Southbank.
Dear Madeline,
It’s interesting how you described the potential outcome of the situation as “unnecessary conflict.” Now, while I do agree that unnecessary conflict is real thing —blaming a waiter for an undercooked steak, or a full-blown argument over which Netflix original series to stick on next, would be decent examples— but the place in which you find yourself, standing up to protect the peace, comfort and health of an elderly parent is anything but “unnecessary.” I wouldn’t blame you for driving round to one of their houses and engaging in a full-on shouting match, or better yet, tactfully going on to your dad’s phone and blocking both of their phone numbers.
However, I’m guessing you’ve come to me today for a solution, rather than just another chance to complain about your (annoying) siblings. So, I’d recommend a moderate amount of caution mixed with plenty of honesty. What does that actually mean? Start by setting up a meeting — maybe over a cup of coffee — and simply tell them the truth.
Despite their recent misdemeanours, I’m sure your siblings care deeply about your dad. The last thing they want is to cause him harm. It’s possible they don’t realise how much all the lifting is taking out of him, and they may appreciate your honesty. Then again, maybe they won’t.
Either way, the most important thing is not to let fear of conflict or confrontation stop you from doing what’s best for your dad. Sometimes the most complex situations have the simplest situations — do the right thing and tell them the truth.
Best of luck,
Daphne.
Dear Daphne,
Me and my girlfriend have been desperate to adopt a cat for years but haven’t been able to because of an unaccommodating landlord. Despite this, we have a great relationship with all the neighbourhood cats, even feeding them sometimes. During the last few weeks, one of our favourites, a little Tabby Cat called Rose, has been staying around our house for longer and longer periods. So, considering she seemingly wants to stay, can we keep her? (The landlord doesn’t need to know).
Charles. Dringhouses.
Dear Charles,
I’m going to try my best to let you down gently here — no, you cannot kidnap someone else’s cat! Have you considered that Rose the Tabby might be sticking around because you’re feeding her? If you ever do get the privilege of adopting a cat of your own, one thing you’ll need to learn is that all animals are motivated by food — so most likely she’s using the desperation you’ve got to have a cat, to get a few free meals. Perhaps this is a bit of pessimistic worldview, but I’m just thinking of Rose’s own family, who would be worried sick wondering where their family pet had disappeared off to.
Also, if you’re prepared to host a kidnapped cat in your home against your landlord’s wishes, why not just adopt one of your own? It might turn out to be a little bit simpler.
I should add, that if Rose does appear as though she’s underfed and unhappy, then that is point for concern, but it’s best to contact the RSPCA rather than taking the law into your own hands.
A difficult as it feels, I promise, adopting a cat of your own will turn out to be the right choice in the end.
Love,
Daphne.
Dear Daphne
There’s this guy at work I really like. We flirt at the coffee machine, send each other silly memes. But every time I think he’s about to make a move—nothing. I’m worried if I say something first, I’ll look desperate. But if I don’t, I might miss my shot. What do I do?
Mina, Huntington.
Dear Mina,
Ah, the sweet workplace flirtation— like a rom-com with no script and way too many awkward silences. I hate to break it to you, Mina, but unless your office crush is telepathic or the leading man in a painfully slow-burn drama, he’s not going to figure this out on his own.
You’re not desperate—you’re decisive. There’s a difference. If you like him, give him a gentle nudge. Next time you’re mid-meme exchange, throw in a cheeky, “We should continue this conversation over drinks sometime.”
If he says yes, fabulous. If he doesn’t take the hint or panics and disappears into the stationery cupboard forever, then you’ve dodged a very awkward bullet. Either way, you’ve taken back the reins of your own storyline—and isn’t that a better plot twist than waiting by the printer?
Warm wishes,
Daphne
Dear Daphne,
I’m a patient lady, but the never-ending roadworks and increasing traffic jams all over town have me at my wit’s end! My morning commute should take around 10 minutes, but these days it can take me up to 30 minutes, or even more! Daphne, I need my time in bed, I can’t be rising from my pit too early…how can I alleviate my traffic woes?
Claire, Acomb.
Dear Claire,
I’m sorry you’re feeling fed up with the traffic situation – I can certainly understand your frustration. Given the amount of current roadworks in the city (and the fact that York traffic can be challenging at the best of times), I know that getting from A to B can be a right faff, to say the least.
Unfortunately Claire, you’re just going to have to deal with it and find a way to cope! If it makes you feel any better, it’s worth remembering that we’re all in the same Viking longboat. Next time you find yourself in a bit of a jam, just remember that, despite the seemingly never-ending issues we may face when it comes to getting to work, we’re still pretty lucky here. York is generally a lovely place to live – I’d take a few extra minutes trundling through town or the ring road over a cramped tram or tube train any day of the week.
If, however, a little smugness and positive vibes aren’t quite enough to cut the mustard, I’d recommend investing in a bicycle and hitting the road that way, if you’re able. Until magic carpets become available, you’ll have to settle for two wheels (or one, if unicycling is your bag)! Alternatively, I’d recommend digging out those comfy trainers and walking to work, if that is at all possible. You never know, a little extra daily exercise could work wonders for your physical health and state of mind, even at the cost of some extra time in bed…
Best of luck, Claire. I’ll see you in the morning rush!
Daphne
Dear Daphne,
My fella just started a new job, and I’m already sick to death of his so-called ‘work wife’. He has only been working there for a month or so, and she’s already got her claws well and truly in! We’ve been together for years, but all he talks about is his new ‘mate’ at work. They’ve been going out for drinks after shift, and he even suggested that we go out together to meet up with her next weekend, so I can get to know her. There’s absolutely no way in hell I’ll be appearing at this outing, she is literally the last person I would choose to meet up with at this point. Daphne, how can I wrangle my husband back for some quality time together and see off this ‘work wife’ harpy?
Saph, Clifton.
Dear Saph,
This is a surprisingly common problem these days. Before you do or say anything rash, it’s worth asking yourself: is your hubby’s work wife single? Do you think your relationship is at risk? Do you think you might be going a little overboard, or is your jealousy really warranted?
Once you’ve thought long and hard about the answers to these questions, only then will you be able to decide on the best course of action. However, generally speaking, we all know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned – I think it’s time for you to bring out the big guns…
In all honesty Saph, I would enthusiastically agree to this outing, and take the time to assess the situation either way. Once you’ve got the introductions out of the way, I’d start off with a well-placed, penetrating ‘death stare’; you can alternate between icy smiles and laser eyes, depending on whether or not your husband is looking. ‘Accidental’ spillages could also work a treat here – maybe an unfortunate splosh of liquid from an oversized wine glass, or even a liberal application of curry from a pre-prepared Tuppeware box, e.g. ‘I’m so sorry (work wife’s name), I seem to have covered you in leftover Rogan Josh from my lunchbox!’
Once the pleasantries are out of the way, send hubby to the bar to grab another round. Make your drink selection as obscure and long-winded as possible, which should extend your private time with work wifey. If you’re still feeling threatened, make good use of this time to make things crystal clear – feel free to use poetic license here, the more expletives, the better!
Let us know how you get on with this one Saph – hopefully we won’t be seeing you in the Press in the coming weeks…
Daphne
Dear Daphne,
I’m starting to lose the plot. I’ve not slept properly in weeks and it’s all thanks to my girlfriend. We often work on different days, and her wake-up routine doesn’t quite work all that well alongside mine. Rather than setting just one alarm and actually waking up — she sets around 15! Each is loud enough to send tremors through the house so naturally it always wakes me up immediately while she’s still fast asleep. She’s such a deep sleeper that I usually end up waking her up myself anyway. Of course, I love her to bits, but I think I deserve a lie in on my day off, don’t I? Surely that isn’t too much to ask for.
What should I do?
Reginald, Huntington.
Dear Reginald,
Thank you for coming to me with this very delicate concern. Blaring alarms and conflicting wake up times have been affecting human beings since day dot (or at least since the invention of the alarm clock!) — but I do think your situation is uniquely challenging. Now, if this were an issue with an annoying housemate or sibling the solution would be far simpler — bring down the full extent of your fury on them! Or at the very least tell them straight up and to their face how much of a problem their sleeping habits are causing for you and put an end to it once and for all. Then if they still chose to ignore the message, you could take the batteries out of their alarm clock. But as you say, this is your girlfriend who you love so I’m assuming you probably care a lot more about her getting to work on time than you would with a flatmate — and you certainly care a lot more about not upsetting her feelings. That brings us back to the question, of what to do. If I were you Reginald, I would still prepare for a frank and fair conversation with her about the alarm situation, maybe after cooking up her favourite tea — so she’s in a listening mood.
It sounds like the two of you are in a loving relationship, so just as you care about her, your girlfriend will care a great deal about your needs too. I’m sure that as soon as you mention how the sleep loss is affecting you, she will be determined to make it right. Then take her to IKEA (other appliance shops are available) to pick out a new and gentler alarm.
You never know she might not take it all that well‚ and you might end up in the doghouse — but at the very least while in there you’ll get a good night’s kip!
Best of luck,
Daphne.
Dear Daphne,
Me and my two flatmates have reached a point of crisis with our neighbour. We’re students so do occasionally stay up later than 10pm on a weekday, chilling and watching movies, but we do try and keep it as quiet as can. No matter what we do to try and mitigate the noise, our neighbour still complains. It started with him knocking on the wall every night at 10pm, next he contacted our landlord and tried to get us kicked out of the flat via an invented story that we’d been having parties, now most recently he’s tried to contact the police. This has all happened without any of us ever speaking to him directly — because he avoids and blanks us if we ever meet in the corridor. We don’t want to unnecessarily go after the guy, but we also just want to live at home in peace.
What should we do?
Darren, Heslington.
Dear Darren.
I imagine the best solution I can think of probably isn’t the most useful, as if it was me, I’d be thinking about moving to a different flat. I’m guessing that’s probably out of the question, especially considering how tough York’s rental market is these days.
Let’s take this one back to the beginning by trying to think from your neighbour’s point of view. While his methods may be more than a little unreasonable, where he’s coming from isn’t. We all know how frustrating it can be to struggle to get to sleep especially when you’ve got to be up in the morning, and for all we know he may even have a young family. After all over-tired children and noisy neighbours aren’t the greatest combination.
Now, he may have allowed that frustration to build up into a series of drastic and unnecessary actions, which is a huge problem, but that doesn’t mean there’s no way back. The best solution is to show the calm and restraint your neighbour hasn’t. Be the better people by going round and talking to him yourselves. If you can show that you understand where he’s coming from, I’m sure he’ll be more than willing to relax a bit and call off the attack dogs.
Good luck!
Daphne.
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