Fly Me to the Zoom
By Anne McLaren
Sian and Charlie move in together at the start of the U.K. coronavirus lockdown and soon get engaged.
The wedding company Fly me to the Zoom, promise a virtual marriage, a virtual vicar and bridal couple icing-models in their own plastic box.
To Sian, Instagram is everything. She regularly applies heavy-duty lipstick to the borders of her lip-liner, generously drawn well beyond the limits of her small mouth. She spends hours perfecting her trout-pout.
Sian orders Louboutin wedding shoes with red leather soles Charlie is annoyingly keeping his outfit secret.
‘It’s as if YOU are the bride,’ Sian squeaks wafting her hand in front of her face, like they do on Love Island at times of crisis.
‘Pre-marital nerves’ confides Charlie to his new best-mate, the postman, who happens to be Sian’s ex. ‘Was she always like this, micro-managing? The more she does it, the less I go along with it all.’
‘Yes,’ laughs Liam, ‘She got rid of me when I started losing my hair.’
‘Well I’m determined to choose my own outfit. Hopefully she’ll drop this stuff after the wedding.’
‘Good luck with that,’ mutters Liam.
Sian is as tense as a fizzing pressure-cooker. The shoe delivery is delayed. They sleep in separate beds and cook separate meals.
When Sian’s out running, Charlie tries on his outfit. A grey morning suit, mustard waistcoat, sky blue cravat and top hat. He’s always wanted to wear one and why not on his wedding day? He’ll look like the icing models on the cake.
Distracted, he doesn’t hear the courier arrive with Sian’s shoes. Soon, there’s a piercing scream from the back door. ‘Charlie, someone’s stolen my Louboutin shoes from the box!’
Charlie flies downstairs. Sian waves the box at him. ’Why didn’t you take them into the house you idiot? Why did you leave the box outside? You’re so bloody annoying. She catches sight of his outfit. ‘Oh my God! You’re NOT going to wear that garbage,’ she gasps, ‘Is this a wind-up?’
‘This is my groom’s outfit Sian. You’ve been bossing me about ever since we moved in together and I need to make some decisions on my own. I’ve always fancied one of these.’ He pats the hat affectionately.
Within ten minutes, Sian’s gone. ‘It’s all off Charlie,’ she sniffs, ‘Cancel Fly me to the Zoom. I’m going to Mum’s to phone the police. It’ll be an insurance job.’ Grabbing the shoe box she drives off.
Liam walks down the driveway. ’Nice outfit,’ he says, ‘Especially the topper.’
Charlie stands in the doorway. ‘Fancy a beer mate,’ he says. ‘I need to celebrate’. They enjoy the fsst sound as he removes the bottle tops.
Liam laughs, ‘Well, you know what they say, ‘Marriage? That’s not a word, it’s a sentence!’ Lifting a pair of sparkling red soled shoes from his bag he adds, ‘I found these under the hedge.
Are they yours?’
About the author
Anne McLaren is a retired York General Practitioner.
She wrote a book in 2015, with several other authors, about raising a child with a disability. It’s called ‘Uncut Cords.’ She is a member of the York writing group ‘the Wordsmiths’ who have performed readings at York Literature Festival.
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